i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
