God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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