BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
