All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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