Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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