I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
