Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Found the puke drawer
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
