In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
