Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
