i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
vagina is talking i cant
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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