my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
