I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
