I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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