wat bout pragnant strippers??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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