Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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