And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
