guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
