My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
