I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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