remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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