I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize