Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
