Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
