I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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