Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
