Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
