I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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