The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
