I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
