remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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