He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
