I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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