The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
