You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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