yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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