put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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