Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
