puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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