It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize