Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
