plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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