I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
