Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
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