And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
