Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
