Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
