I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
