Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
