ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
