I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
