Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
