I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I want her autograph on my taint
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
