In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
