why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
