i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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