I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
