I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
