i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
