I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
